August 2, 2009
Modern Love

Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear
By LAURA A. MUNSON

LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.

So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.

But I wasn’t buying it.

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?”

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need … ”

“Stop saying that!”

Well, he didn’t move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual six o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

MY trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not — it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out, and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.

Laura A. Munson is a writer who lives in Whitefish, Mont.

One of our members received this link in a email and thought it would help brighten everyone’s day!! It sure did mine.

          I have to admit I have had an abundant season this past little while. I’ve been able to welcome into my arms three new little granddaughters over the last several months. In my humble opinion they are simply the most beautiful little creatures I have ever seen (at least for the present).
But it is a little more than that; I was able to have the privilege of witnessing the transformation each little girl brought with them. Behind each one is a unique and weighty story marking their arrival in history and in our own story. They were greatly sought after and true blessings in the lives of their families. We all know the feelings that come with these occasions, kind of a mixed bag of emotion and anticipation strewn with “three deep breaths and we’re in it”, all that warmly sewn up with tender sentiment.
          I had these sensations as I witnessed their parents in their yearning for them, and then at each of their arrivals how deeply in love everyone felt for them. The glow on the mother’s face, tired and crying as she stroked the cheek of the newborn, the glisten of their daddy’s eye moist with emotion, and oh, the softness of the other mother, cooing over this tiny bundle.
          Yet even more than that I think this time around I have had a heightened feeling of their potential in life. The promises given, laced with the experiences to be faced, all the hope that rides forward when a baby graces our lives. I felt these things along with the love God feels towards such innocents and the hope He has for them. I felt so strongly with each bitty angel a lingering of Heaven in the room. Each little sister brought with her a glimpse of what we are to each other. How much she needs the family she is in, and how so very much they need her.
          It truly is a plan to work together, to be together and share in this wonderful life as a family—Heaven’s blessings to you all.

Submitted by  ~A Woman’s Place~

How is a new wife added?

Is it similar to dating?

Do the other wives have a say in who is picked?

How are the days with the husband divided?

Is there such a thing as divorce?

How do you handle holidays?

What if a husband shows a preference to one wife?

Is it difficult to finance a household with so many people?

Are there times when you all just don’t get along?

Here are the thoughts from a few of us.  Be sure to post your thoughts to this blog as well.

Hello….It seems to me that there are so many people interested in the mechanics of how a plural situation works.  I wonder if there is some way to tactfully respond to those kinds of questions.  We look at those questions as very personal to us, and think we need to address them on a level that is understandable to those from different backgrounds and cultures.  What do you think?

Thanks, Helen

 I agree with Helen, so to me there are a couple of things going on here in our dilemma of providing good answers. 

Our lives take such a labor with the Lord and with our selves that it becomes sacred on many of these points.  How do we honor that sacredness and still dispel the myths and curiosities that are out there.

It’s not to say that the people in general society do not have a serious attitude when it comes to family and the decisions they make as well.  I think for the most part they weigh their lives before they make these commitments. Many look at their capacities in character and finances before they commit to families.  They just do not have the guidance and recourse that we have.

When we have the opportunity to move forward in the increase of our families, or in the instance when our son or daughter feels it is time for them to be married, our first instinct is to turn to the Lord, to get the inspiration that we need and the assurance of things being right and in order.  But even with all that said each case scenario is as different as the individuals involved.  How does anyone find and obtain a mate, or even more so a soul mate?  (And believe you me, I believe in soul mates.)  It pretty much plays out according to the personalities of those involved.

Men are not encouraged to court, nor young girls to entice and part of the reason for this is when you are so serious about God’s will being done in your life you really do not want to be the one who trips up His influence and confuse the parties involved, whether it be yourself, the young lady, or innocent family members.  You want your mind uncluttered so that you can be assured that God is involved.  Now to take this stand is taking the stand that we truly believe in God as our Father, and that He is heavily invested with us, His children, and that we are interested in this relationship with Him.

When this commitment is ready to be examined then the individual brings it to parents, parents and young person bring it to the clergy, they all labor once again with themselves and the Lord to come to inspiration and agreement.  With all parties in agreement then the situation moves forward and the commitment is made.  Here again as many scenarios as there are personalities involved making each marriage unique, individual, and joyful. It is a deeply religious experience and one that is cherished for the rest of our lives.

Now comes the other part of our dilemma, these everyday life questions.  A part of me picks up on the hint that we are just a bit of a freak show and I bristle under that sensation.  Many people we have done interviews with have commented that it is interesting to see the differences in the two lifestyles.  And so it must be to them.  But perhaps I can smooth my bristles and realize here is an opportunity for us to show the “common sense” we share with them on these little details.  How do they handle favorites with children, between spouse and ex-spouses, between grandparents and the “other grandparents”, whose in-laws are we going to put up with this time around?   You get over it. You deal, you weigh the possible outcomes and you grow.  At least those who are interested in a higher quality of life, it all depends on where you are in your life.  Nobody has the answers right up front on anything.  Just ask all the counselors, psychologists, therapists and anybody out there we are all looking for answers to deal with our own perspective of life.  The dynamics play out according to the variety of people involved.

Do we celebrate birthdays?  Yes

Do we celebrate holidays? Yes 

Do we have family vacations? Yes

Do we have bills and debts and worries?  A big YES

Does it all always work out the way we want it too?  No

But the sun still rises the next day, we still get up in the morning and realize we are a family and a community that respects each other, that pulls for each other and that are committed to each other. We are a problem solving people.  We take the task of getting along seriously; we see the benefits of it and are willing to be actualized in it, we look for win-win situations whenever possible.  We do a lot of self examining, introspective analysis, we consider the Lord deeply, we look for answers in the truth and put them to the test.

 But each life belongs to that individual and we are all at different places on the scale.  There is no one size fits all.  All we can do is work together, take responsibility for our actions, and love those that we associate with.  Take my word for it…it does give you life more abundantly.

Any way these are my thoughts.  I hope they can springboard some of your own. 

Thanks,

Susan

Susan I really appreciate how you articulated some of this. “We are a problem solving people.  We take the task of getting along seriously; we see the benefits of it and are willing to be actualized in it, we look for win-win situations whenever possible.  We do a lot of self examining, introspective analysis, we consider the Lord deeply, we look for answers in the truth and put them to the test. “

The point I got in reading your words, it’s not that we “tolerate” other women in our homes and lives; we grow, benefit, and are blessed by them!  This is a win for us, and we feel the need to make sure it is a win for each other.

-Joyce

When considering these questions, I had to recognize that this happens differently for each different group of people, and even within our own group the range is huge.  Women come into different families for a wide range of reasons.  Much like women in monogamist relationships, each has there individual reasons for why they chose the partner they did and how it came about that they were married.

As far as days being divided; days are divided?  In my experience, I would say that we are in this WITH each other.  If the husband is divided, so are we, and essentially all there would be is plural monogamy, which is pretty unrelated to plural marriage.

Is there divorce?  Basically we came into this on our own choosing, we can get out of this on our own choosing, as in any relationship.

Do we like the holidays?  I like the holidays, but again the specifics of the holiday rituals would vary from person to person and family to family, just as it would anywhere in society.

What happens when a man has a preferred wife?  I agree with Susan, does anyone have favorite children, grandparents, pets, etc.  Some may, if relationships have been soured, but in real circumstances, isn’t it the blessings each add to the relationship that make it special?  Is there really a favorite, or just possible hurt feelings?  Some people may get along better, so appear to be favorites, but that is dynamics of personal relationships, in any culture, in any society, in any environment.  I think in any relationship in any society with wives, children, extended family, etc. people generally learn to appreciate the good in each other and appreciate what each person brings to that sphere.  Can there be a favorite?  Possibly, in some small circumstances, but in general, I don’t see how a man would even want that.

As for the finances; each will again be different.  Structures are different, people are different, needs are different.  One thing I believe plural marriage (not plural monogamy) can add is there are more options to be able to put together a more ideal circumstance that can help to provide for that family.  And of course more children are always shown to be a burden by the general populace; they just cannot relate and look at a child as so expensive.  But, in reality, they buy clothes once and throw them or give them away when the child is done with them, in a “more children environment”; we buy clothes once and clothe 4-5 children with them.    And on a side note, in our last interview we were asked how we justify the effects we are having on our environment, i.e. more people create more waste.  Well, in essence, it looks to me that fewer people create more unused waste.  More people have the ability to completely use a product and eliminate the “wastefulness” from the waste, also making it so that a larger family is not consuming as much per person as in a smaller family.  Also, research shows that divorce, which creates a need for multiple households to house the same number of people that were previously housed in one home, has a definite footprint on the environment and resources.  My guess is that if research were done, larger families use far less resources per capita than the average.

Are there times when we all just don’t get along?  Does anyone always get along with everyone all the time?  The point is to learn to live with each other and help each other grow, not start out perfected and never make mistakes or have issues.  How does anyone handle their problems in their families, workplaces, etc?

Just my thoughts……Looking forward to the responses on our blog.

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It’s hard to see your way in polygamist country, always has been. The nights are dark, and street lamps rare or absent altogether. The people prefer to be guided by God’s light, leaning on the moon and stars to show the way.

The first time the children were taken, in the summer of 1953, police crept into town beneath an eclipsed moon. A trail of sedans bounced over the muddy road from Fredonia to Short Creek, Ariz., with headlights dimmed. Their mission hinged on surprising the polygamists before they could flee. Overhead, a full moon glowed with a ruddy red light then faded slowly into the Earth’s shadow.

The airwaves hummed in the dark. Ham-radio operators were carrying messages from Gov. Howard Pyle to the police and relaying news from Short Creek’s sheriff to the Arizona attorney general. Pyle had vowed to shatter the serenity of Short Creek, where nary a girl had reached age 15 “without having been forced into a shameful mockery of marriage,” he said.

To Continue Story, Click the Link.