These are questions sent to us in preparation for an interview with CNN International. We are asked these questions often, and thought it would be useful to answer them on our blog site.
How is a new wife added?
Is it similar to dating?
Do the other wives have a say in who is picked?
How are the days with the husband divided?
Is there such a thing as divorce?
How do you handle holidays?
What if a husband shows a preference to one wife?
Is it difficult to finance a household with so many people?
Are there times when you all just don’t get along?
Here are the thoughts from a few of us. Be sure to post your thoughts to this blog as well.
Hello….It seems to me that there are so many people interested in the mechanics of how a plural situation works. I wonder if there is some way to tactfully respond to those kinds of questions. We look at those questions as very personal to us, and think we need to address them on a level that is understandable to those from different backgrounds and cultures. What do you think?
Thanks, Helen
I agree with Helen, so to me there are a couple of things going on here in our dilemma of providing good answers.
Our lives take such a labor with the Lord and with our selves that it becomes sacred on many of these points. How do we honor that sacredness and still dispel the myths and curiosities that are out there.
It’s not to say that the people in general society do not have a serious attitude when it comes to family and the decisions they make as well. I think for the most part they weigh their lives before they make these commitments. Many look at their capacities in character and finances before they commit to families. They just do not have the guidance and recourse that we have.
When we have the opportunity to move forward in the increase of our families, or in the instance when our son or daughter feels it is time for them to be married, our first instinct is to turn to the Lord, to get the inspiration that we need and the assurance of things being right and in order. But even with all that said each case scenario is as different as the individuals involved. How does anyone find and obtain a mate, or even more so a soul mate? (And believe you me, I believe in soul mates.) It pretty much plays out according to the personalities of those involved.
Men are not encouraged to court, nor young girls to entice and part of the reason for this is when you are so serious about God’s will being done in your life you really do not want to be the one who trips up His influence and confuse the parties involved, whether it be yourself, the young lady, or innocent family members. You want your mind uncluttered so that you can be assured that God is involved. Now to take this stand is taking the stand that we truly believe in God as our Father, and that He is heavily invested with us, His children, and that we are interested in this relationship with Him.
When this commitment is ready to be examined then the individual brings it to parents, parents and young person bring it to the clergy, they all labor once again with themselves and the Lord to come to inspiration and agreement. With all parties in agreement then the situation moves forward and the commitment is made. Here again as many scenarios as there are personalities involved making each marriage unique, individual, and joyful. It is a deeply religious experience and one that is cherished for the rest of our lives.
Now comes the other part of our dilemma, these everyday life questions. A part of me picks up on the hint that we are just a bit of a freak show and I bristle under that sensation. Many people we have done interviews with have commented that it is interesting to see the differences in the two lifestyles. And so it must be to them. But perhaps I can smooth my bristles and realize here is an opportunity for us to show the “common sense” we share with them on these little details. How do they handle favorites with children, between spouse and ex-spouses, between grandparents and the “other grandparents”, whose in-laws are we going to put up with this time around? You get over it. You deal, you weigh the possible outcomes and you grow. At least those who are interested in a higher quality of life, it all depends on where you are in your life. Nobody has the answers right up front on anything. Just ask all the counselors, psychologists, therapists and anybody out there we are all looking for answers to deal with our own perspective of life. The dynamics play out according to the variety of people involved.
Do we celebrate birthdays? Yes
Do we celebrate holidays? Yes
Do we have family vacations? Yes
Do we have bills and debts and worries? A big YES
Does it all always work out the way we want it too? No
But the sun still rises the next day, we still get up in the morning and realize we are a family and a community that respects each other, that pulls for each other and that are committed to each other. We are a problem solving people. We take the task of getting along seriously; we see the benefits of it and are willing to be actualized in it, we look for win-win situations whenever possible. We do a lot of self examining, introspective analysis, we consider the Lord deeply, we look for answers in the truth and put them to the test.
But each life belongs to that individual and we are all at different places on the scale. There is no one size fits all. All we can do is work together, take responsibility for our actions, and love those that we associate with. Take my word for it…it does give you life more abundantly.
Any way these are my thoughts. I hope they can springboard some of your own.
Thanks,
Susan
Susan I really appreciate how you articulated some of this. “We are a problem solving people. We take the task of getting along seriously; we see the benefits of it and are willing to be actualized in it, we look for win-win situations whenever possible. We do a lot of self examining, introspective analysis, we consider the Lord deeply, we look for answers in the truth and put them to the test. “
The point I got in reading your words, it’s not that we “tolerate” other women in our homes and lives; we grow, benefit, and are blessed by them! This is a win for us, and we feel the need to make sure it is a win for each other.
-Joyce
When considering these questions, I had to recognize that this happens differently for each different group of people, and even within our own group the range is huge. Women come into different families for a wide range of reasons. Much like women in monogamist relationships, each has there individual reasons for why they chose the partner they did and how it came about that they were married.
As far as days being divided; days are divided? In my experience, I would say that we are in this WITH each other. If the husband is divided, so are we, and essentially all there would be is plural monogamy, which is pretty unrelated to plural marriage.
Is there divorce? Basically we came into this on our own choosing, we can get out of this on our own choosing, as in any relationship.
Do we like the holidays? I like the holidays, but again the specifics of the holiday rituals would vary from person to person and family to family, just as it would anywhere in society.
What happens when a man has a preferred wife? I agree with Susan, does anyone have favorite children, grandparents, pets, etc. Some may, if relationships have been soured, but in real circumstances, isn’t it the blessings each add to the relationship that make it special? Is there really a favorite, or just possible hurt feelings? Some people may get along better, so appear to be favorites, but that is dynamics of personal relationships, in any culture, in any society, in any environment. I think in any relationship in any society with wives, children, extended family, etc. people generally learn to appreciate the good in each other and appreciate what each person brings to that sphere. Can there be a favorite? Possibly, in some small circumstances, but in general, I don’t see how a man would even want that.
As for the finances; each will again be different. Structures are different, people are different, needs are different. One thing I believe plural marriage (not plural monogamy) can add is there are more options to be able to put together a more ideal circumstance that can help to provide for that family. And of course more children are always shown to be a burden by the general populace; they just cannot relate and look at a child as so expensive. But, in reality, they buy clothes once and throw them or give them away when the child is done with them, in a “more children environment”; we buy clothes once and clothe 4-5 children with them. And on a side note, in our last interview we were asked how we justify the effects we are having on our environment, i.e. more people create more waste. Well, in essence, it looks to me that fewer people create more unused waste. More people have the ability to completely use a product and eliminate the “wastefulness” from the waste, also making it so that a larger family is not consuming as much per person as in a smaller family. Also, research shows that divorce, which creates a need for multiple households to house the same number of people that were previously housed in one home, has a definite footprint on the environment and resources. My guess is that if research were done, larger families use far less resources per capita than the average.
Are there times when we all just don’t get along? Does anyone always get along with everyone all the time? The point is to learn to live with each other and help each other grow, not start out perfected and never make mistakes or have issues. How does anyone handle their problems in their families, workplaces, etc?
Just my thoughts……Looking forward to the responses on our blog.
Merrywives' Blog 
How is a new wife added?
Is it similar to dating?
Do the other wives have a say in who is picked?
How are the days with the husband divided?
Is there such a thing as divorce?
How do you handle holidays?
What if a husband shows a preference to one wife?
Is it difficult to finance a household with so many people?
Are there times when you all just don’t get along?
Think of a plural family as a big extended family. That’s how it is in our case: we have separate homes for each wife. Think of holidays the way you would if you were a married couple with both sets of parents close by and wanting you to be there for Thanksgiving. How do you handle it? However it makes everyone happiest. Maybe you do Thanksgiving one place one year and the other the next. Maybe everyone gets along great, and all the family piles in together at the home with the biggest dining table. Maybe you go one place for dinner, and another for dessert, and you trade “courses” the next year. Or, maybe you as a couple have 9 children, and you’re each from a family of 9 children, and the exponents get out of hand when you’re trying to plan Thanksgiving, so you just do something different each year that seems to work itself out. That’s what we do: whatever makes the most people happy.
Nights are the same. I am extremely blessed to have a fair husband. No one ever worries that we won’t “get enough time”. He’s pretty regular in his “rotation”, but if someone’s sick or needs house repairs, then that’s where he is. We “trade nights” if one of us has a kid in a concert or an anniversary or whatever.
Do we ever not get along perfectly? Think of “normal” families. Do brothers and sisters ever not get along perfectly? Of course. But God is our center, and He says to forgive, to be courteous and kind, to do unto others, to sow good that we can reap good later, to go to the offended party and apologize when their feelings are hurt, and to not speak ill of others behind their backs. If we do all those things, relationships sort themselves out quickly when there have been hurts.
And what if a husband shows preference to one wife? Again, think of other families. What happens when a mother or father prefers one child over others and offers special gifts, treatment, and opportunities to that one? Bedlam. No one is happy, including the preferred child. It is wrong, and husbands should learn from this and be fair to and love all their wives. However, the human heart is hard to tame, and there are cases where this does not happen, and it is obvious to all that one is the “favorite”. What do the wives do? The best they can. In a very good family (I think ours is one of those), the husband is very, very clear that the worst thing he can do, the one item most likely to bring down the entire family’s wrath upon him, is to let it be intimated that one wife is not quite getting a fair deal. Everyone else circles the wagons around her and comes to her immediate defense.
Good thoughts Robin. With the existence of love comes the capacity of providing solutions to the differing puzzels we all face. Each family develops the rhythm they do best with. It’s part of growing together.